1/05/23: Autism

Mood: I don't think I feel anything anymore
Watching: Stupid YT videos
Thinking: about everything I've ever done
Eating/drinking: Tea but with artificial sweetener (gross)
VENT ALERT - It's gonna get emotional

It's really weird being autistic. I mean I'm just like everyone else. And I want to be like everyone else, I have no reason to want to be different, I want to fit in... That's the only thing I ever wanted. I'm pretty awkward, don't know social boundaries(like taboos for example), I say stupid things, I don't like to be touched and generally people think I'm weird. Especially since i have barely any experience talking to people or communicating. Most people don't care about that. Especially in the real world.

I often say things that are inappropriate and people don't like me for it. In fact I've lost many friends in just the past 3 years of high school. I feel like I'm on the bad side of a lot of people. It's probably more than just a feeling - it's the truth. There are probably people who don't like me and I have no idea. I don't do it on purpose. I try to be nice, I lend my pens to them when they need them, I generally try to help people, but that doesn't matter. Some people labeled me a love-bomber because I liked complimenting people and did it often. They called me a manipulator for not being sure when to apologize which ended up with me saying sorry all the time, for the smallest things. They called me selfish when I tried to relate to their struggles by mentioning my own similar stories. They call me stupid for having a hard time understanding things from another persons point of view, when they themselves never try to understand mine.

I guess I could call them ableist or disrespectful or any other word but they don't care. It wouldn't matter, it wouldn't make a difference. It's especially hard to say anything because I'm scared of what they might think of me. They'll call me sensitive and tell me that they can't be all those things because their friend has Asperger's. But I'm not like that friend who can easily empathize with others, can read their emotions and read their minds. I wish I was "just like a normal person except smarter", I wish I was just some guy except with a quirky interest, I wish I was just some guy except who's also charmingly weird. Unfortunatly I am flawed, and very much so.

I try to fit in with them even though they laugh at my interests and they laugh at me. They laugh when I try to help someone or be nice, they laugh if I don't. It feels like trying to socialize is a waste of time. I feel like I should stop talking to anyone at all and just focus on my achievements and become the best in my class and that that'll show 'em and that then they'll see how great I am but they won't care. And it won't make me feel any better, it'll make me feel even worse. I'm a social animal, I'm supposed to have a group, it's in our nature. But it's not in the cards for me.

24/04/23: I hate no right click scripts - RANT

Mood: Pissed
Watching: My tongue
Thinking: about dinner
Eating/drinking: Tea, it's real good
RANT ALERT - I'm really mad about this.

I hate websites that use those stupid no right click scripts that pop up a stupid alert any time you right click... BITCH!! I'm just trying to open one of the links on your page in a seperate tab... And trust me that is not going to stop anyone from stealing anything... All they have to do is go into reader mode or select their text and press ctrl+C. I don't get it!! Why do people use these?

23/04/23: I'm watching Descendants

Mood: Intrigued
Watching: Descendants
Thinking: "hmm what am I thinknig?"
Eating/drinking: off-brand coke
Warning for tiny spoilers this is kind of a review :P.

When I first got to watching the first film in the Trilogy I thought "did ever after high really die for this??? EAH had to stop because disney wanted to make their own little shittier version (not to say that EAH was a masterpiece but at least it was more visually appealing...). Maybe it's beacuse it's got that Disney Channel Original cheapness to it or because it's real people that look boring but I came into this with a bad mindset. Instantly it reminded me of the 2018 also Disney Channel Original "Z-O-M-B-I-E-S" starring the girl in the cast that I lowkey had a crush on. The good-faith-bad-execution anti-racism (or general anti-bullying) movies really do have a formula and this movies no different.

A lot of this post is going to straight up just be comparisons to EAH so strap in! One of the main things i hat ebaout this trilogy is that you can never tell who is the child of who. In EAH it was pretty easy because the names, while still being unique, hinted to the parent of the character. Here all you get is the first letter - Mal is the daughter of Maleficent, Booboo Stewart(in this movie his name is Jay but who cares) is the son of Jafar, Evie is the daughter of the Evil Queen, Carlos is the son of Cruella etc. And to be honest most of the time it feels like these conections don't matter at all. We barely hear about Booboo or Carlos's connection to their parents... It's barely mentioned outside of the scenes with villains commenting on what they see on TV and it's really easy to forget, especially in the second movie where it's not mentioned at all. The only mother-daughter connection(or rather beef) we see is with Mal and Maleficent.

This problems persists with the designs of the characters - especially the non-villainous ones. I could not for the life of me tell that Aubrey(Ben's ex-gf) was the daughter of sleeping beauty. I learned when she told her grammy not to talk to Mal because she might put her into an everlasting slumber. Same with Ben and his Father - the only references to them ever being the Beast is that Ben sometimes says that he's going beast mode. And even if we are talking about the titular Descendants it's still really hard to tell who is who... I'm still not convinced that Booboo is Jafar... I guess getting interesting character designs is hard when you have to work within the limitation of the human world...

The only way I can end this entry is by quoting myself...It took me 3 hours to get through the first hour of this movie.

Also king ben's face pisses me off, he looks like a fusion of Leonardo diCaprio, Magnus Carlsen and Zac Effron... i dont know how or why but i see it.

Overall score: 10/10

That's it for entries.